


In My Dreams

by microphonechecker



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Got7 Ensemble - Freeform, M/M, Mutual Pining, Relationship Study, Sleeping Together, Slow Burn, the angst is (mostly) inside mark's head
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-06-27 08:11:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15681453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/microphonechecker/pseuds/microphonechecker
Summary: Mark meets Jaebum as soon as he moves to Korea. They are introduced to each other, their eyes meet, but he isn’t sure if Jaebum sees him.orA spin on GOT7's trainee years and everything that came after.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, it's me! I'm back after a year with something I've been working on for a while and I'm quite proud of.  
> This fic is mostly a self-indulgent piece of fluff and attempted humor, but with hints at light angst because there's nothing better than people suffering together.
> 
> Some warnings:  
> 1\. This is all my imagination and my soft heart doing things, not meant to imply any of this happened in real life.  
> 2\. Chapter titles are taken from songs that inspired me, I'll probably create a playlist eventually, but if you want to know in advance, just let me know.  
> 3\. I'll try to update every two weeks, sometimes less, sometimes more. Usually on weekends. I'll let everyone know if I'm too late on twitter though.  
> 4\. I'm always available on [ twitter.](http://twitter.com/joyreneism) For anything, really. Fic talk, Markbum talk, yelling about how beautiful Mark Tuan is. Just hit me up.  
> 5\. I added mature rating because of foul language at times and eventual smut that I have written/planned, but ratings and tags will be updated as we go.
> 
> And before we start, I need to thank some people for putting up with my general wildness while writing (and sometimes not writing) this. Bea, Bianca, Britta, Carol and more recently, Amber, thank you so much for everything.
> 
> I guess, let's go?

Love shouldn't hurt. In theory Mark knows, he really does. He's heard it all from his mom, about how even though it should be worth fighting for through the hard times, a soul crushing kind of pain shouldn't be part of the package.

How love shouldn't always be rainbows and butterflies, but it should be easy.

In theory, it's easy to nod and promise her he would put his search for happiness first and foremost.

In reality, he finds Jaebum.

He doesn’t know when, can’t pinpoint the exact moment finding him turned into loving him, Mark only remembers getting gradually closer, orbiting around Jaebum until the moment they molded together like an eclipse. Until they fell in perfect synchrony.

Mark finds Jaebum almost as soon as he gets to Korea, full of people around him and a breathtaking smile that never leaves his face, to point it’s threatening. He finds him with the sarcastic remarks directed at his friends, that he can pick up even with the language barrier. With the cool, bad boy attitude that pushes you away and draws you in at the same time, that scares you, but makes you curious like a toddler, wanting to know what else is there behind that loud presence.

Mark finds Jaebum with the talent and experience he is willing to share, even if they are all competing for their careers there, even when most people are selfish and cold, even if he is far from being the oldest one. With the most selfless attitude once he lets you in, but that's where Mark’s biggest problem lies. He wasn't in at first and sometimes, even after a long time, shared memories, stolen moments and countless promises, he isn't sure if he is fully in.

With Jaebum, he never knows what to expect. He’s full of small touches when you don't see them coming, but if Mark tries to grab his hand, he’ll run. Jaebum will come up to him and hug him from behind, his head fitting on the curve between Mark's shoulder and neck perfectly, and his hands will curl into Mark's hoodie like it's the only place they should ever be, but if Mark so much as dare to ask for anything, Jaebum will deny him.

It's a game he doesn't want to play, but can't stop himself from doing so.


	2. You’re The Puzzle I Can’t Fix (2011)

Communal spaces are loud by nature, with people coming and out, conversations flowing, doors banging and the usual noises when someone touches anything, but a shared bathroom containing over ten teenagers has to take the prize for being one of the most chaotic places Mark’s ever been to.

There’s music coming from a portable speaker on the sink, someone loudly singing a completely different song in one of the shower stalls. There is the water running and loud laughter, mixing with cornered whispers and someone yelling for no reason, as boys do.

Mark finishes his shower and picks up his underwear, putting it on quickly before walking out and heading to the sink to do his skin routine.

His stomach makes a loud noise, bringing Bambam to laugh weakly from the spot next to him, his eyes barely opening when he says goodnight and walks out. Dance practice had been brutal on everyone tonight, lasting for over four hours and he had nothing to eat, so before finishing all his late night activities and being able to go to bed, he also wanted to find something to eat.

He brushes his teeth after everything, and as he is drying his hair with his already damp towel, he feels someone touching his exposed waist.

“I put something in your bag for you,” Jinyoung says and Mark eyes him confusedly. He still smiles and whispers an unsure thank you, to which he receives a nod and a wink back.

One by one, they leave the bathroom after finishing up their routines and go back to their rooms and the silence grows bigger now, without the music being played and just two people showering now.

In his bag, Mark finds a box of chocolate chip cookies and he almost laughs alone in happiness. He whispers to himself another _thank you, Jinyoung_ , even if the boy is long gone and can't hear him. He opens it right away and shoves one into his mouth as he gets dressed, the hole inside his stomach seemingly getting bigger with the first taste of food after over fifteen hours.

It’s 3 am and he finds himself heading to the empty studying halls, instead of bed. He drops his workout bag in his locker and picks up his books, stalking away in silence, hoping no one would see and follow him.

He just wants, and kind of needs, to be left alone with his bitter feelings for a while.

Korea isn't a terrible place, it’s far from it. Mark loves the food, Seoul is pretty and it’s a nice change from Los Angeles, the one place he knows like the palm of his hand.

A series of events and thoroughly thought decisions brought him to accept the offer after being scouted, and most of the time he doesn't regret leaving family, friends, comfort and familiarity behind to try his luck with music, in an unknown country, with a language he had no skills at all and no one to make the transition smoother.

But sometimes he can't help but hate everything about the situation he finds himself in.

It usually happens when he comes back from California, after spending a relaxing time with his family and friends. This time, his parents were the ones around for the short break they had, but the five days being spoiled by his mom and joking around with his dad were more than enough to get him shaken.

The first few days back to his hectic schedule are always the worst ones, having to dive right back into classes, and rehearsals and lessons. He has to be focused on all of it, give all of his energy to each of the activities and barely has anyone to rely on when he feels like he is about to break.

Mark knows the language barrier is his biggest problem, that if his Korean was any better, he could get closer to people instead of maintaining a polite distance. It's funny because it's not like anything would drastically change, he'd still not talk a lot, would just sit there and smile, adding a few words every now and then to the conversation, the same thing he does now with a broken knowledge and terrible accent, but it still makes him work harder to learn, even when his eyes are barely open anymore.

“My English is not so good but I can help,” a voice comes behind him, it’s only a whisper, but it's enough to make Mark jump on his chair, hands going to his chest as he takes a deep breath.

Looking back, Mark’s first reaction is to be surprised when he recognizes the person joining him.

He and Jaebum aren't close friends or anything, they barely even see each other outside practices - as he is always glued to Jinyoung and some of the older guys, and well, Mark’s poor Korean and insecurity makes it virtually impossible for him to hang out with anyone other than Brian and Bambam right now.

But sometimes, one of them invites Mark to join the rest of the group in the TV room and he always says yes, forcing him and Jaebum to interact. Or at least awkwardly say hello and goodbye.

He is surprised that Jaebum finds him, sitting alone in the computer room at a time no one is supposed to be there, and he doesn't seem shocked, nor seems to be there for any reason other than offering Mark help with his homework.

He sits down in silence, a little too close even, allowing him to finish answering the questions. Mark is hyper aware of every move Jaebum makes, the way his breath gets deeper as he grows impatient and his hands making invisible drawings on his own sweatpants, fingers twisting the fabric every now and then.

Mark also notices how Jaebum still shies away from eye contact, something he had observed before, and now he’s avoiding looking at Mark’s face when he whispered a timid thank you back and keeps doing so, moving his gaze to the floor or table each time Mark raises his head.

“This… Wrong.” He points to one question when Mark declares he is done, his fingers automatically reaching for one of the pencils lying around.

Jaebum gets up and positions himself near Mark, their arms brushing as he scribbles the correct spelling in the corner of Mark’s notebook.

“Oh, the spacing!” Mark acknowledges his mistake, erasing the wrong part and fixing it.

He makes out a whisper from Jaebum, as he parrots the word spacing, and Mark smiles once again, knowing the feeling of picking up a new vocabulary in a language you are trying to learn.

Mark thanks Jaebum again, who smiles in return, dropping the pencil and taking a couple steps back.

“Everything else is right,” he says in Korean back to Mark. “Good job!”

Most of what Jaebum does it unexpected, Mark learns and accepts it, but he can't help but feel puzzled when Jaebum leaves the room after, leaving Mark and the tingling feeling where their bodies touched alone with his thoughts. And the damn Korean homework.

…

Mark is hanging out with Bambam, both trying to distract each other from homesickness. They aren’t doing much, just sitting on the floor playing another round of Heads Up, which is now Bambam’s favorite thing to do when he is bored and currently, Mark is trying to guess his celebrity.

“Come on, Mark!” Bambam whines with a scoff, and Mark pouts frustrated. “You already know you are a man, you are a famous Korean singer and we’ve met him.”

He is about to guess another 2PM member, probably the only famous men he’s met alongside Bambam so far, when Jaebum enters the room. He looks at them in a weird way and then laughs.

“Why do you have JYP written on your head?” He asks, confusion growing when Bambam shouts a loud no and dramatically puts his hands over his chest, whispering about betrayal. Mark throws his head back laughing and removes the paper, as he takes a short look at Bambam’s ugly handwriting and throws it on the floor.

“It’s just a game,” Mark tries when he notices Bambam retracting, his small frame becoming even smaller as he rests his back against the wall and hugs his knees. “What’s up?” He asks Jaebum, who’s still dumbly staring at them.

“Hmmm,” Jaebum hesitates, his eyes going from Mark to Bambam and back. One of his hands reach up to his neck, scratching it somewhat uncomfortably.

There is a silence that follows. Bambam and Jaebum look at each other for a while more, Jaebum’s mouth going agape in a grimace that Mark believes was supposed to be a smile and it’s kinda funny.

Marḱ raises an eyebrow at Jaebum when he looks back, waiting for an answer at the same time Bambam gets up slowly, whispering a goodbye to Jaebum and promising to see Mark later before running out of the room.

“Do you wanna watch a movie together?” Jaebum blurts out once Bambam is out of reach, his head snapping from side to side, eyes wandering around and showing that catching Mark alone was exactly what he was hoping to do.

The way he pronounces the words in English carefully also show he put some thought to it, and it’s sweet. Mark just wishes he wouldn’t stare Bambam out of the room for that.

“Yeah, sure!” He collects all the papers on the floor and disposes them into the nearest trashcan, all under the careful and intense eyes of Jaebum, who’s leaning against the door without doing much.

They head to the TV room together, in complete silence even though Jaebum opens his mouth like he's going to say something several times, but then closes it, lips pressed together in a firm line and swallows hard.

There is a huge gap between their bodies when they sit down, Jaebum seemingly shrinking himself in the corner of the couch to avoid sharing more space than necessary with Mark, which leaves him with a weird sensation, not entirely sure how to feel about it.

Mark doesn’t understand much of the movie, even with the subtitles in English it all seems confusing, but Jaebum seems into it. Turns out, Mark ends up watching Jaebum more often than the screen, even though he doesn't understand much of him either.

He fascinated with the way Jaebum reacts to everything. He is all strong expression and small sounds coming out of his lips, that are often pursed forward in a pout and Mark, well, to say he is anything short of mesmerized would be a lie.

When the movie ends, he realizes he doesn’t want to go separate ways just yet. It’s still early enough they can go out, most of their other friends who didn't go home for their rare days off are still out enjoying the city, so after taking a couple deep breaths and gathering up his courage, he invites Jaebum to get ice cream with him.

Even now sitting on a bench with nothing else to catch their attention, they still talk little. Jaebum asks him if he is also going to the 2PM concert they were all invited to next weekend, then asks how he’s been dealing with the distance from his family, but they always go back to the usual quietness. The silence isn’t uncomfortable though, and Jaebum’s calm presence is the closest thing to peace Mark can find being so far from home.

They laugh at nothing occasionally, their mixed giggles echoing through the empty park and the night. Their bodies are pressed together from shoulders to knees, trying to feed off from each other’s body warmth to fight the strong wind, but Mark isn’t sure when his entire body shivers, if it’s a reaction to the cold or Jaebum’s fingers cleaning ice cream from his lips.

…

“I’ve only been to LA once with my parents, so we should definitely plan something together,” Brian says cheerfully, his left hand resting on Mark’s knee comfortably.

Most of the older trainees are sitting together waiting for the 2PM concert to start, but as usual, there are group separations, meaning that without Bambam around, Mark really only has Jackson and Brian to talk to with his lack of confidence in his Korean.

Jackson and Brian supply for most of the conversation, with Mark only adding a couple remarks here and there, content to allow them to lead their interactions while he sits down clutching his water bottle and takes everything in. He laughs loudly when Jackson almost falls from his chair, laughing at a joke that wasn’t at all that funny, but he feels good nonetheless, knowing that they appreciate his company, even if for a limited number of sentences each night, to laugh so hard at a stupid and sarcastic remark like that.

Mark notices that Jaebum is looking over at them, eyes falling curiously at where his arms are linked with Jackson’s, but when Mark shoots him a smile, he turns his head away like a scared cat. Like he was caught doing something wrong. Mark isn’t upset by it per se, but it’s somewhat annoying that this is the second time in the day that Jaebum treats him coldly.

“Wonpil said Jaebum is fucking weird, don’t sweat it.” Brian had told him earlier when Mark said hello to the group, only to receive lukewarm answers from Sungjin and Jinyoung, while Jaebum barely looked at him.

And he agreed to that, but kept to himself the reasons for thinking so, while Jackson changed the subject, excitedly talking about how he hoped to have an arena like that packed for him and his group one day.

Mark’s mind, while he shared all of those wishes, couldn’t stop thinking about the treatment he kept receiving from Jaebum, like them being friends was somewhat wrong or just something that Jaebum wasn’t completely sold on. Obviously some trainees kept their distances because they saw each other as competition, but he knew Jaebum wasn’t the case. Hell, they didn’t even belong to the same line ups, as Jaebum was one of the most talented vocals their age group had and Mark couldn’t sing to save his life. So he remained a mystery Mark’s curious brain was keen to solve.

He is brought back to reality when a shadow blocks his way to the stage. Mark looks up only to see Jaebum himself standing there, with a soda cup on each hand.

“Jinyoung and I went to get snacks and I got an extra one for you,” he says, offering it to Mark. His voice is strained and face blank, like he is holding back something that he wants to show.

Mark feels Brian and Jackson staring, but doesn’t move his eyes from Jaebum as he accepts the drink with a small smile, “thank you...” he says a little unsure and it might come off as a question, because he can hear Brian snorting beside him.

“Yeah,” Jaebum is still standing there, looking down at him like he is trying to discover the meaning of life in Mark’s face. Mark bites his bottom lip with a little force and Jaebum’s eyes fall down to his mouth, shaking his head. “Don’t do that.”

“What?” He asks in English by accident, but Jaebum is already walking away, a row down, where he is sitting with his other friends without so much as saying goodbye. “What?” He says again, this time staring at the empty space and a little more shocked than he was a minute ago.

“I didn’t know you were close,” Jackson says and it snaps Mark away from his small lethargic state and back to reality. He is eyeing Mark weirdly, the way he usually does when things don’t go the way he wants them to.

He tries to brush it off with a shrug and saying they aren’t, but he knows Jackson won’t let it go, even after Brian calls their attention and points out the concert is about to start. Mark should honestly buy Brian food or just offer to do something for him in exchange for this, because even though he is sure Jackson will just pester him back at the dorms about it, for now he can try to enjoy the concert without an extra problem.

It's apparently too much to wish for, as two songs in he feels Brian’s eyes on him and a sharp elbow to his arm after, when he ignores the look in favor to singing along to the familiar lyrics.

“What?” He mouths, his head turning sharply to the side and eyes serious. Brian is smiling at him in a funny way, but doesn't say anything, not until Mark asks again, expression turning a little more unpleasant this time.

Brian leans in and his hands go on Mark’s shoulder, jostling him a little just for the sake of it because Mark can't see another reason, and then he says, in a tone that ranges between a shout and a whisper that Jaebum keeps looking back at them.

And what do you want me to do? He wants to ask, because there is nothing to do, not when Jaebum pretends not to know him for hours, just to buy him a soda and stare at his lips later. Not when they are in public and Mark still doesn't know Korean enough to confront him. Not when he isn't even sure he is allowed to do that, if they reached the level of friendship to yell a what the fuck is wrong with you? when one of them acts weird for no reason.

“Go sit with them, I can control Jackson. Well, at least until we are back at the dorm. Then I'm off to Bambam and you'll have to deal with that,” he laughs and pushes Mark away. He stumbles three steps, before coming back, picking up his soda, jacket and punching Brian on the arm just for good measure.

Jaebum doesn't even move when Mark occupies the empty seat by his right side, Mark isn't even sure if he blinked, but what he does it look to the side and smile. A small, shy smile that Mark has come to see more often lately.

The one Jaebum throws Mark from across the room when they are all watching baseball together, with snacks they pitched money together to buy down the street and share between fifteen teenage boys all over the floor and Mark tries, half in Korean half in English, to ask for the sour worms and no one but Jaebum listens to him.

It’s the same one he gives Mark during dance practices, when he is distributing water bottles on their break. Or when they bump into each other on hallways, Mark slapping Bambam’s head for saying inappropriate things, and Jaebum rolling his eyes at whatever dumb sentence that came out from Jinyoung’s mouth.

It's one that he knows it's just for him, and makes all the irrational feelings from just minutes ago vanish.

They vanish with the same quickness as the feeling of Jaebum’s fingers touching Mark’s wrist softly. It's so fast that Mark has to double take to know he even felt it, even if deep down, he knows he did.

Once the concert is over, they manage to fit all of them in two vans and Mark somehow finds himself between Brian and Jinyoung, and in a complete different car than Jackson. The vehicle is loud, full of leftover energy and all Mark adds to it is the occasional laugh that bursts out of him, which seems to be enough to bring the attention to him.

“If this was a competition, Mark hyung would win best laugh in the group,” Jinyoung says so casually that Mark almost misses the teasing tone on his voice. The devilish smile is what gives him away.

Mark can’t help but blush furiously when several pairs of eyes fall on him, Jaebum included. He’s looking at him sternly, with a screaming difference from all the others who are either laughing, agreeing, or just curious, but always friendly.

“Mark would win lots of things, he’s pretty cute.”

“Thanks, Brian!” he deadpans, his face contorting in a forced smile as he fixed his fringe more times than one could possibly need in a minute, just to avoid people noticing how embarrassed he was.

The joke goes around for another minute, as they grill Mark before moving on to pointing out how one boy or another would win some imaginary prize, most of what goes past Mark’s head as he catches Jaebum still looking at him, but now smiling, and suddenly he can’t think of anything else. He smiles back, a little unsure and Jaebum promptly turns away.

So maybe Jaebum’s smile was directed to someone else and Mark was just being embarrassing and with a huge ego, or maybe he was just shy, hating that he got caught. Either way, Mark’s thoughts are so distant from the real world that misses when they arrive at the dorms and has to be shaken by Jinyoung to move.

“Oh, sorry,” he says getting up. He jumps out of the car and starts moving robotically with the other boys, all heading to the bathrooms to wash up before bed.

Jackson finds them again, and Brian meets up with Wonpil, and between the three of those em, they relive the entire concert in such details that Mark feels extra tired. He finishes up brushing his teeth before them and basically runs out, heading to his room without looking back.

But just as his luck goes, Jaebum is standing alone on the hallway, hands on his sweater pockets and his ever squinty eyes a little more open than usual.

“Hey,” Mark says when he approaches him and notices Jaebum won’t really say a word.

He gets a nod back and for about twenty seconds, they just stare at each other, making Mark start to panic. He’s also the one breaking the silence as well, letting out a loud, goofy - and nervous - laugh, to which Jaebum opens a smile to.

“They were right, your laugh is really cute,” he says unexpectedly.

Mark thinks even Jaebum didn’t expect to say such words, as his shoulders go up, in the way they do whenever Jaebum is tense, out of his comfort zone. He smiles back and thanks him, but they go back to the silence for another while, Jaebum’s eyes gazing at the floor, his own socked feet seeming super interesting.

“So…?”

“Sorry,” Jaebum starts, and bites his lips. Down the hallway, voices start to get closer at the same time he looks up to Mark again. “I just came to say goodnight, and that I had fun tonight.”

He does his best not to look startled, not to look like Jaebum did something wrong and to avoid the possibility of scaring him away. So Mark opens his brightest smile, not just because he feels like that’s what he should do, but because that’s what he feels like, smiling a lot, for a long time too.

“Me too, we should hangout more,” he tries because why not take a chance when Jaebum finally opens up to him?

“I’d like that,” Jaebum fires at him without wasting a breath, the quickness of the answer making himself blush a little.

The voices get even closer, so Jaebum repeats his goodnight wishes before running out, turning a corner in the hallway just as Jackson makes himself visible to Mark. He looks at him weirdly, but doesn’t ask questions, just says goodbye to his friends and enters their room with Mark.

“Was that Jaebum?” he asks once they are settled in bed, the light off and the room in complete silence.

“Yeah, that was Jaebum,” Mark tells him and maybe himself too, a smile playing on his lips even when he tries to bite it off, unable to control the weird tingling feeling he feels all over.


	3. The more I get to know you the more I want you close to me (2012)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even begin to apologize for the absurd delay, but what I can promise is that Chapter 3 is coming soon as well.  
> Hopefully you guys haven't given up on me.
> 
> Other than the usual thank yous, I wanna thank Ani for making sure this isn't a total mess.
> 
> And for anything else, I'm always on [twitter](https://twitter.com/joyreneism)
> 
> Enjoy!

It all happens very fast, at least for Mark, who’s only an outsider despite sharing most, if not all, of his time with Jaebum and Jinyoung. 

One day they are practicing together, their dance classes going for extended hours and making their entire bodies burn and feel so tired they can barely find strength to shower and eat afterwards, and the next they are dismissed early, with two exceptions. They’ve heard the rumors for the past few weeks, they know the company is looking to debut a new boy group soon, and some names being called is expected at any moment.

He also knows his name isn’t going to be one of them, being warned about it not too long ago, one of their managers saying he still needs a little maturing before his time comes, but when it happens for real no one is ready.

Mark is expecting for everything to change after Jaebum and Jinyoung start to have meeting after meeting with the higher ups, signing contracts and being shown concepts, songs and spending countless hours in the recording studio until everything is considered perfect. But in the end, it doesn’t.

Everything is still as it's been since the first night Jinyoung found Mark crying alone, missing his family, and offered him his hand and took him for a walk. They didn't talk, both still insecure about the language barrier to say anything more than  _ thank you’s _ and  _ goodnight _ ’s, but they walked for a while, hand in hand, until Mark stopped crying. Jinyoung offered him a tissue, and helped him by wiping the tears from his reddened cheeks. And before walking back to his room, Jinyoung gave Mark a hug and told him to come to him whenever he needed. 

Since then, it seemed to get easier, which is the reason Mark is a little scared to lose it all.

But Jinyoung still comes to him late at night, drags him out of bed in silence and they sneak out with several packages of sweets and a huge bottle of coke, giggling as they run to the park just around the corner and destroy their strict diets together. 

They still don't talk much, and when they do, it’s mostly coming from Jinyoung, but their little adventures are something Mark looks forward to.

“Are you ready?” Mark asks him one night after they fall into a comfortable silence. And to be fair, he knows how nervous they are, he talked to Jaebum about it just two days ago while lying on his bed together, and Jaebum whispered to Mark in broken words how much he worried about Jinyoung.

Jinyoung almost never talks about his feelings, but you can see it in his eyes and the way he behaves when something is taking the best of him.

“I don’t think I will ever be, but that’s what I wanted so I gotta do it,” he says frankly after thinking for a while, his eyes failing to meet Mark’s. “I’m excited though, even if Jaebum hyung doesn’t believe me and probably sent you as his guard dog to get the truth out of me.”

Mark laughs loudly and punches Jinyoung on the arm, making his soda spill a little on his clothes. 

“I'm not doing this for him,” he says and Jinyoung looks at him in a funny way, scoffing like he doesn't believe Mark. “It's different.”

“How is it different?”

“He shared his worries with me, yeah, but I'm doing this because I care about you.”

Jinyoung stares at Mark for a long time, looking for something on his face with curious eyes. He stares, and stares some more, analyzes all that’s possible and reachable, and probably finds it, as he smiles and moves in closer, resting his head on Mark’s shoulder.

It’s rare for Jinyoung to show vulnerability, but like that, with both of his feet on the bench, knees pressed against his own chest and body leaning into Mark, he looks small and like someone to be protected.

“I’m really fine, but sometimes the excitement turns into fear and that’s probably what you’re seeing in me that makes you worry,” he finally says, his voice showing nothing but honesty in its purest form. “But I don’t want you or Jaebummie  _ hyungie  _ to worry, I can do it.”

“We know you can, Jinyoungie, but don’t feel like you have to keep everything to yourself, okay? We are here for you, all of us.”

Mark feels Jinyoung shrinking a little at the last words, knows he understood Jackson was part of the us being mentioned. Their relationship is still a little weird, Jackson’s sensitivities not really mending well with Jinyoung’s careless words and actions, but they are trying, even if in slow motion.

“Thank you,  _ hyung _ .” 

…

Mark’s lips are trembling with the cold air that blows out, just as his hands, even though tucked inside his pockets, are basically frozen. His frame is even smaller as he tries his best to hide inside his hoodie and curses himself mentally for not putting on anything warmer when Jaebum knocked on his door and invited him out.

He spots a smile or two coming from Jaebum whenever his entire body shivers, like he thinks it’s funny that the LA kid is freezing, barely able to handle Seoul’s well defined weather.

When he voices out a complaint about it, Jaebum just laughs, punching Mark lightly on the arm and calling him a fool. He says something or other about how the weather isn’t that bad now, that it’s still good enough that they should be able to enjoy walks out, but the smile on his face gives away that he’s bullshitting Mark.

It makes him smile too, turning his face away from Jaebum to avoid showing that deep down, walking next to his best friend in an empty Seoul alleyway is enough to make him feel something warm.

The rest of the walk to the coffeeshop Jaebum’s friend recommended is silent. The only noise Mark registers is the rare car driving through the empty roads of Buam-dong and the sound of their shoes crushing the autumn leaves, but once they are comfortably seated inside, it changes a bit.

Jaebum starts talking, first commenting on how nice the setting of the place is - with the white cushions, the small booths that allow customers a sense of privacy and intimacy regular shops rarely do with their shared spaces. 

“Do you wanna order for me?” Jaebum asks brightly, kicking Mark’s leg under the table like an excited kid. “We can make each other’s order, just to change a little.”

Mark smiles and nods, even though his eyebrows raise a little because Jaebum, much like Mark himself, is a creature of habit. Change isn’t his favorite thing in the world, always taking a little bit to settle down and accept new things, even the good ones.

“Maybe I’ll order something terrible for you.” 

Mark’s mouth drops open first in offense, then in a too-loud-for-that-place giggle like he couldn’t believe Jaebum could ever threaten him like that. 

“You wouldn’t because I can do it right back, Jaebummie,” he points a finger to Jaebum sternly, but the corners of his lips are turned up, clashing with his small and serious eyes.

In the end, all he orders is a latte with an abnormally large quantity of vanilla and two extra espresso shots. Mark goes for a mint hot chocolate with caramel and white cream on top, to which Jaebum makes a face before even tasting it, but in the end, he finishes it before Mark is even halfway through his latte.

Mark thinks it’s cute how he tries to hide his sweet tooth from everyone, but will melt away for something as simple as hot chocolate, just like a child.

His thoughts and his everlasting tendency of wandering around into corners of his mind he never dares to visit when he has a choice decide to think about a thousand things about Jaebum he also thinks it’s cute. Like the way Jaebum steals most of Mark’s hoodies whenever there’s as much as a light breeze blowing outside, but never says a thing, like he’s just allowed to do that.

Jaebum will rummage through Mark’s things, find something comfortable enough, and wear it until he has to put it away for washing, finding a new one in the process. 

In a good month, he’ll give them back, smelling sweetly like Jaebum’s laundry detergent and neatly folded. Sometimes Mark won’t see his stuff for a while, not until Jaebum comes crashing into his mattress at two am because he can’t sleep, tip toeing to avoid waking Jackson up and wearing one of Mark’s largest sweatshirts as a pajama. Mark won’t dare to call that a bad month, especially because when he gets them back, the next morning, they’re all soft and warm like Jaebum’s clothes usually are. Like Jaebum usually is.

Mark still doesn’t know for sure if Jaebum is embarrassed when he’s caught wearing Mark’s things, like a little child who’s done something wrong, but it’s never something they talk about. Jaebum just does it and like every little thing Jaebum does, Mark loves it.

When he looks across the table, waking up from his trance and finds Jaebum staring at his drink without saying anything, Mark knows what he wants. Mark knows he wants to try it, but he won’t ask. Won’t ever ask.

His mind flies all the way back to their company, to the shared snacks between all the boys and how Jaebum is everywhere, clinging to their friends and always asking everyone for their food, but not Mark. Never Mark. He thinks about the instances he’d hug Jinyoung from behind, or any of the younger guys really, and use a cute voice to ask for something. Jaebum, who hates showing his softer sides. It stings a bit, and it’s not to say Mark is jealous.  _ He could never _ , but it was uncomfortable in a way how Mark was never on the receiving end of those kinds of interactions.

Mark realizes he was once again too immersed on his own thoughts when Jaebum tells him he’s gonna order a latte like his, making a sign to call the waitress over.

“You can drink from mine, you know that, right?” Mark says, sliding the glass across the small table. 

Jaebum looks at him like he’s grown four extra heads for a second, before going back to his neutral, unreadable expression and nodding. The waitress still comes over and he still orders, but not a latte, he asks for a large peanut butter sundae with extra hot fugde and two spoons. The girl, who couldn’t be much older than them, stares at Mark for a split of a second and he’s almost sure she smiles before leaving. He doesn’t read too much into it, he never does unless it’s Jaebum, and gets promptly distracted when Jaebum shyly picks up his latte and takes a small sip. 

His small hands hold the glass with so much care that Mark can’t help but smile, focusing on that to avoid going back to that tiny spot inside his brain that feels a little too proud of the fact that Jaebum wants to share food with him too.

  
  


The walk back feels slower somehow, like they’re taking time to pay attention to things in Seoul they rarely do. Like the sounds of kids laughing brightly while playing around in parks, or the fast steps people take when coming in and out of buildings, like they don’t have a single minute to waste. Mark smiles when they pass a karaoke room and he sees a group of probably drunken girls who stumble out of it, holding each other’s hands, giggling for apparent no reason and talking loudly to each other. He misses having this sense of freedom, but he doesn’t feel particularly jealous of them.

“We should do that sometime,” Jaebum breaks the silence once more, poking Mark’s side to get his attention. 

Mark jumps a little to the side, a laugh escaping his lips before he nods in agreement. “That’d be nice, we can invite Jackson and Jinyoungie too.”

Jaebum makes a face back at Mark and shrugs, like he’s not about to contest that.

“Was thinking more about Sungjin and Brian, but I’m sure we wouldn’t live it down if we did it without the kids so I guess.”

Mark giggles and shakes his head at the use of the word kids, as if they weren’t mere months younger than them. It’s not like Mark was suggesting inviting Bambam, even though he’d enjoy that, he misses spending time with him, but Jaebum takes seniority very seriously and he’s not gonna be the one challenging it.

“You’re always thinking of Jinyoung,” Jaebum says before the silence settles in between them once more, and there’s something different in his voice. 

He can’t place it, but Mark’s sure it’s not something negative. Just maybe an emotion he’s never had Jaebum expressing so he can’t tell it apart from the others. Mark also doesn’t know where this conversation is going when he nods, looking at Jaebum to encourage him to continue talking.

“You’re always thinking of everyone, actually,” Jaebum smiles a little before moving on with his speech. “Of people you don’t have to because in the end, Jinyoungie is my responsibility and you don’t have to be Jackson’s guide or whatever it is that you guys do together. But you still do it.”

Mark still doesn’t understand what’s going on or why Jaebum’s saying these things out of the nowhere, but his cheeks and ears start to become a shade of pink, all heated up like he wasn’t freezing moments ago.

“You guys are my friends, of course I’ll think of you.”

Jaebum smiles again at him, that soft and small smile Mark finds so rare to see, but is still one of his favorites. 

“You don’t think it’s a big deal, but it really is. Not shying away from responsibility, working hard on your own things, but still finding time to dedicate yourself to help others even if they don’t ask for it.”

Mark shrugs like it’s nothing, trying even harder to ignore the heat on his body that just refused to go away despite the wind blowing strongly against his face. He smiles down at Jaebum and starts thinking about how good Jaebum is, if he takes his time to let people know he appreciates them.

The silence reigns once more, but between them it’s never bad, there’s never that desperate urge to fill in the space with meaningless words. 

He thinks about the fights they’ve got themselves into, with each other and others. Of how people see Jaebum as some sort of bad boy, but won’t even give him a chance to show the other sides of his, the caring side, the one who feels like he has to guide, to lead and help. The one who’ll call his friend a  _ responsibility  _ simply because someone has said that, has told him that as the oldest one he should take care of Jinyoung. They won’t try to see how hard Jaebum is trying to be a better version of himself, that even with the flaws he knows he has, will work hard to deliver what he feels like he should.

As Mark gets lost in thoughts, their steps slow down a bit, as if they’re trying to delay going back to their company. They both know getting to the dorms means the end of their alone time, and probably going separate ways as well and with everything that’s been happening, Mark isn’t sure when’s the next time he’ll really see Jaebum, see him enough to sit down and talk. So he accepts the unhurried walk, their hands brushing against each other from the closeness of their bodies. 

“You’re gonna be a great leader, Jaebummie,” Mark stops brushing his hand against Jaebum’s and links them once for all, squeezing it weakly. “You guys are going to do great.”

  
  


…

It doesn’t go as easily as planned.

The deserted hallways are uncommonly chilly when Mark leaves the equally empty practice room, his already narrow frame growing smaller as he hides his hands inside the long sleeves of his sweater. 

It’s not surprising that there’s no one else around, after he ditched an already late dinner with the rest of the boys to spend some more time practicing their last mandatory dance routine, some of the moves still coming out a little stiff and not nearly enough to keep up with the better dancers left in the group. He had been called out by their instructors after the first session ended, and even though the criticism was constructive, hearing that your footwork doesn’t seem to be improving isn’t something you look forward to after three hours straight of dancing.

He walks slowly, his thighs burning a little, and for that reason it’s easy to pay attention to the little things he misses on a daily basis. 

The pictures on the walls, of practices including already debuted groups and endless trainees, the broken plastic flower vase on the corner that no one noticed, even over a year after the fact and that he had left, that Peniel cracked while joking around with Jinyoung. He giggles, thinking that it’s probably going to stay like that for longer, until someone actually sees it.

He notices how different all the rooms are, despite being modeled the same. Some full of equipment, some nearly empty. And that’s when he sees a single light on, on the left side, just next the bathroom.

Mark raises an eyebrow, his curiosity sparking because he was sure he was alone and walks there a little faster, even though still in silence. Approaching the door, he peeks inside through the small glass part, noticing someone sitting down in a corner, hugging their own body to the point they’d be almost unrecognizable if not for the fact that Mark knows Jaebum almost as much as he knows himself.

It doesn’t look like Jaebum is crying, though he could be, his head down and the distance making it impossible to tell if the small movements are on purpose or his body shaking.

His hand flies to the handle, softly turning it, but before he can push it open, he stops himself, dropping the doorknob. It’s not his business and he isn’t sure if he should go inside. His worry is proportional to the slight fear he always carries with him, the one of making things worse instead of helping. He’s about to turn around when he’s surprised by a hand pulling him back and into the dark bathroom, making him gasp anyway d jump a little, before noticing it’s Jinyoung.

“I didn’t want to disturb him,” he whispers, giving Mark the answer to a question that wasn’t asked. “But since you’re here, can you please check on him?”

“Why? Why is he there? Is everything okay?”

There are endless questions he wants to ask, but these are the ones he can make sense of. The ones he can put into coherent words, and probably the ones he’s allowed to.

“He’s…” Jinyoung bites his lips nervously, looking serious as he thinks of the words to say. Mark can almost see his thoughts organizing itself. “Hyung is having a tough time dealing with… the whole thing. Going back to training and possibly not having a comeback anytime soon.”

Mark nods, and he knows Jaebum is probably not as well as he pretends to be, but he didn’t think he’d find him like that, alone in a dark room. “Is he crying?”

“I don’t know, maybe, I haven’t actively checked on him after the first time.” 

“The first time?”

Jinyoung continues to look at Mark unsure, his breath going heavy. Mark furrows his eyebrows and pulls Jinyoung closer by the wrist, holding his arm firmly and caressing the skin a little with his thumb.

“It’s okay, Jinyoungie, you can tell me,” he says and Jinyoung nods in silence still. “I wanna help him, but I can’t if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“I found him like that a while ago, before we even debuted, he was scared of not doing well, but as soon as I approached him he closed off.”

Mark feels a weird urge to laugh because it’s just expected from Jaebum to hide his feelings like that, and it’s just so sad that he doesn’t trust anyone to look after him that it’s tragically funny.

“And let me guess, he told you to never interrupt to him again?” Mark tries and Jinyoung opens a smile, still somewhat unsure, but it’s better.

“Not really, but he said he was fine and I shouldn’t  _ ever _ worry about him because that’s his job,” Jinyoung tries mimicking Jaebum’s voice in a childish tone and rolls his eyes, making Mark laugh in the process.

He lets Jinyoung arm go and pats him in the back, smiling as brightly as he can, “Just go back to the dorm, go to sleep, I’ll find a way to deal with it.”

“Hyung…” Jinyoung starts, picking Mark’s hands up with his and squeezing them. “If anyone can help him, I know it’s you. Just don’t make it worse, please.” 

He nods before telling Jinyoung goodnight, listening to steps as he stalks down the hallway without looking back.

Mark freezes in place for a few seconds, reconsidering if he should actually go in or not, Jinyoung’s shaky expression and voice replaying inside his head, but before he processes it all, his feet are moving closer and closer. Jaebum is still sitting in the same position, hugging his own body and looking small, except he doesn’t seem to be trembling anymore, his figure perfectly still.

He turns the doorknob and lets himself in silently, just not enough for Jaebum not to listen. His head snaps up at the same time he starts to speak, saying Jinyoung’s name loud and angrily before stopping mid sentence.

“Oh, sorry. I thought you were…”

“Jinyoung? You knew he was outside?” Mark smiles at him sadly and closes the space, sitting cross legged just beside Jaebum, his knee meeting Jaebum’s.

When the answer comes, it’s not the one Mark is expecting but now he fully understands what Jinyoung meant when he mentioned how Jaebum closed off in the past, “How did you know I was here? Why are you here?”

He can see that Jaebum is swallowing his tears and forcing his voice to be stable, his bloated and reddish face giving away his feelings despite the brave front he’s trying to pull on now. 

“I saw you when I was leaving my own practice room, Jinyoung tried to stop me though if you’re concerned about that.”

Mark hates lying, but white ones are fine if it’s what’s best for everyone involved. 

“I’m just…” Jaebum sighs, he avoids looking straight at Mark, his swollen eyes focusing on anything he could find in the semi dark and nearly empty room. “You shouldn’t be here, Jinyoung shouldn’t be here.”

“Neither should you, but we both are,” Mark says firmly, his hands twisting the fabric of his own sweatpants from inside its pockets. “What do you wanna do about it?”

Jaebum looks back to him, his expression so confused that Mark starts to rethink about his sentence, believing his korean might’ve been wrong or he messed up some part of the pronunciation, but then Jaebum stops biting his bottom lip, letting out a loud sigh.

“Nothing,” he whispers, weak and disheartened.

Mark shrugs, a small smile playing on his lip when he catches Jaebum’s eyes and says “Then we’ll do nothing.”

Doing nothing is easy for Mark, who loves to be alone sometimes, but also craves this kind of intimacy that you can stay in silence with someone else, without making things awkward and needing to resort to any kind of talk.

He doesn’t have a lot of moments like this, with his friends usually being on the loud and extrovert portion of society.

But with Jaebum, doing nothing means they can just sit there and enjoy each other’s presence, or comfort the other when things are not so easy on the outside. With Jaebum doing nothing becomes as easy as one, two, three.

Except this time there’s something heavy around them, something that Mark can’t pickup. It doesn’t make it uncomfortable, but he keeps feeling like something needs to be done before their silence feels homely. 

It’s not until Jaebum asks once more why Mark is there, that he realizes the foreign presence between them is just the questions both have about the situation, but are keeping inside.

“I don’t want you to be alone,” Mark finds himself whispering like it’s a secret no one else is supposed to know, even though they are alone. 

“What if I want to be alone?”

The quickness of it scares Mark and he freezes in place, holding his breath for a second before his eyes drop to the floor. He bites his bottom lip with a little too much force as he looks for words to say.

“I can go…” Mark can barely finish his sentence before Jaebum’s left hand flies to his arm, like he meant to stop Mark from going anywhere.

He wasn’t going to, never had any intentions, but Jaebum doesn’t seem to realize that if his eyes, full of tears and a little scared, are any indicative.

“Please, don’t go.”

The silence stays. Mark’s mind is a blank, he just allows the silence and Jaebum’s warm presence to take over him and gives Jaebum the space he still neds. Even if just the metaphorical one, as their bodies are glued to each other, Mark’s hand on Jaebum’s leg and his head resting against his shoulder.

He thinks of what to say, head spinning around, but still comes up with nothing. Maybe it’s better this way, he doesn’t want to ruin it, make it worse, but Mark can’t help feeling useless when he sees Jaebum like that.

Jaebum looks like he’s about to give up, and Mark can’t have that. Can’t have him walking away from him, from everything they’ve created together, with their friends and also alone. Can’t have Jaebum leaving his dream behind because of a setback.

“I’m scared,” Jaebum starts, his voice shaking as much as his eyes seem to be with all the fight he’s putting against his tears. “I’m scared they realized I’m not good enough and I’ll lose this.”

Mark just listens, allowing Jaebum’s crestfallen feelings to pour out of his body through his mouth, in desperate and broken words and his eyes, the tears matching the rain that was falling outside early, so strong as they hit every window in the building - a force that only the most intense feelings can have and Mark starts to think the rain was just a mere forecast of what was to come inside those walls, under the flicking yellow lights.

**“** I had to fight the entire world to be able to be here, to make my parents believe in my dream as much as I believe I can do it, but now I’m not sure. I might not be able to and what do I even have to go back to?”

Mark is a lot of things. He’s quiet, shy, insecure, he’s caring and funny, always up for a good time. He’s the epitome of calm and a ball of rage, all at the same time. What he isn’t, though, is dumb. He knows about all the talking, about how they all believe that due to his background he doesn’t have much to lose if this doesn’t work out for him. Knows some people believe that because he doesn’t have a musical background, doesn’t live and breath musical notes, that because this isn’t the only big chance he has in life, he wants - no, he needs - this less than the rest of them.

He just never expected Jaebum to agree with them.

“Losing this after all the hard work would break me just the same, that’s why I’m sitting here saying I get it,” Mark pleads, voice cracking with a mix of disappointment and insecurity. “It’s because I really do.”

The tiles of the room feel colder now against his covered skin, but it might as well just be the sinking feeling in his stomach manifesting all over his body.

“No, Mark,” Jaebum cries out. “I didn’t mean to imply it’s different for you. It’s just generally…”

“But it is different for me, right? I can just fly back to LA and I’ll have my family who’s living well to support me while I try something else.”

His words come out a bit harsh and it’s the first time he doesn’t really think before speaking since coming inside, but being doubted by the person he trusts the most doesn’t feel so good. He’s been working on letting people know how he feels. It doesn’t always work, he still keeps most of it to himself, prefers to work things out by himself, but this one hit him too hard for him to just ignore.

“Mark…” Jaebum tries, but Mark cuts him off with a deep breath.

“Yeah, sorry. This isn’t about me, but it’s getting a bit tiring to have this burden added to all the rest, like I’m not deserving of my spot here because of things out of my control.”

Jaebum seems speechless, looking at him wide eyed. It couldn’t be surprise, they’ve fought way too much for Mark’s temper to be news, but maybe he’s not used to see Mark fighting for himself. 

It still makes Mark uncomfortable to have the focus on him this way, it feels selfish and a tad silly too, if he thinks too much of it.

He knows when the conversation tone shifted and Mark would give it all to go back to the old topic, the one they needed to fix first because without Jaebum, things wouldn’t have the same balance, but if Jaebum doesn’t trust Mark the way Mark expected and believed him to, then it’s all harder than he ever thought. 

It’s Jaebum himself who gives Mark an opening to go back to fixing things, when he looks down, searching for Mark’s hand and holds it so carefully that it’s barely a touch, almost like a breeze.

“Don’t let anyone tell you you’re less deserving of this, you work harder than anyone around here and when your time comes, and it will come, it’ll be because of your efforts,” he says still not looking at Mark, but at their joined hands.

Mark finds himself smiling at Jaebum, his eyes sparkling and entire body feeling some kind of weird warmth that wasn’t there just a second ago. 

“You have it in you to believe in me, but why can’t you do it for yourself?”

“Because I’ve failed once, Mark and I really don’t know what else to do if not this, if not step on a stage and perform.”

“You didn’t fail, this is a minor setback,” Mark squeezes Jaebum’s hand. It seems like he’s stopped shaking and his face is less red now, which is good. Now all that’s left is for Mark to bring out a smile out of him and then they can leave, maybe grab some food. “And if everything really goes wrong, you’ll still have me, your biggest fan no matter what. I gave all my family your album.”

There’s a small silence and then Jaebum lets out a loud laugh, hitting Mark’s arm with his free hand. He shakes his head negatively.

“You just gave them my album because your name is there, admit it.”

Mark opens a devilish smile, feeling the mood of the room getting a little bit lighter and if that’s what he has now, he’ll work with it. “Of course, I wanted to show my best friend off.”

They share a soft smile and a look between them. 

Surprisingly, Mark ends up having the last word this time, before they get up, still with joined hands and leave to get some jajamyeon to share at their favorite just a couple blocks away.

“Don’t give up,” Mark tells him, his pinky linking with Jaebum's to seal the promise. “We’ll find our way past this together.”


End file.
